bat out of hell at leonards

Another with a large head and a small brain rattling around inside it, was a chap who rejoiced in the name of Percy Adolphus Maximilian Higginbottom, and who, because life was short, was known locally as just "Percy".

It would have been thought that a man bearing such a splendid name would have gone far, but it was rumoured that Percy was of German extraction on his mother`s side, and this, in the aftermath of the Great War, probably counted against the lad. Anyway, as he undoubtedly had the head for it, he grew up to be a Padiham thickneck, and as that apalling fate gradually befell him, poor old Percy just pottered about being as daft as the rest of us.

One day, Percy bought a pig a few months before Xmas, with the intention of fattening it for pork on the great day. This piglet took a shine to old Percy and followed him around Padiham like a dog, becoming quite a common sight in the town. That is - until a farmer friend of Percy took him aside and told him he was going the wrong way about it. "Thous nay fattening it leeting it walk abaht lad," he informed Percy, "thous running it lean - keep it fray moving at all if tha can, if tha wants decent chops fray it".
Percy took this advice literally and as the beast wouldn`t stay at home without him he began to carry it in his arms wherever he went.

Now Percy was an ardent church-goer, and often did odd jobs for the vicar of St. Leonards - one of which was to wind up the church clock every Sunday morning before services began.
There was a steep flight of stone steps up to the belfry, and every Sunday Percy would stagger up them carrying the pig, winding the clock with the great handle and carrying the pig back down again.
As the weeks went by the pig got fatter and Percy got thinner and as Xmas loomed on the calendar it was touch and go whether Percy would live to see any port cutlets at all.

And so, one Sunday morning close to the planned demise of the beast, Percy wearily staggered and stumbled up the spiral stairs to the belfry under the tremendous load.

But Percy had taken on too much this time and as he reached the penultimate step to the belfry, he knew he wasn`t going to make it and summoning all his remaining strength he made a supreme effort and threw the huge pig forward to prevent it falling down the steps.That finished poor old Percy and as the massive weight crashed to the floorboards of the belfry, he went spiralling down the winding steps to the bottom.
He was dead well before he reached it.

Gaping tourists do visit Padiham sometimes, (gaping at equally gaping locals) and after visiting the belfry and hearing this sad tale, are often directed to the Cemetery to see poor old Percy`s grave.
There is just a plain headstone bearing the inscription:-

Here lies
Percy Adolphus Maximillian Higginbottom;
- died trying to save his bacon.

As a postscript to this sorry epistle it is well to note that as a result of Percy`s experience and sacrifice, he all unknowingly made St. Leonards Church unique in one particular respect. For the belfry there, is the only one of any church in the whole of Great Britain where for a time at least, one could find lumps of pig-shit mixed with the bat droppings.